A sample essay of a student and my corrections for a better score
Writing Task 2: More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss causes and effects of this problem. Provide examples. ANSWER OF STUDENT: It is argued that young generation of well off and successful countries is suffering from the excess weight gaining issue. In my perception an easy access to junk foods and the busy schedules of working parents are the main causes of this problem which lend the children nothing but long term health problems. First of all, the availability of fast foods is the main reason which contributes to this issue. The food items: pizza, pasta, burgers and hot dogs hold a special allure for the children of all ages. And indubitably it has raised the graph of health problems to a large extent. For instance, in America children are becoming fat and lethargic because they intake a lot of oily and processed food like potato chips and french fries. On the other hand, the fact can not be denied that the hectic work routines of the parents also lead their offsprings to grab whatever unhealthy they want to satisfy their hunger. Unlike the past times when mothers supposed to remain at home to take care of their young ones, women now are equally busy in making money because it has become harder to make both ends meet for a single person of the family. A research carried out by California University throws light on the fact that the children of professional parents become drastically ill and prone to various diseases as compare to the offsprings of a single bread earners where father works and mother stays home to look after their little one as they think the upbringing of their children is paramount. To recapitulate, it is crystal clear that the easily attainable junk food and the bustling routines of guardians compel adolescents to eat unhealthy, that is why the fitness level of successful and rich countries is degrading at an alarming rate. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Score: Task Achievement: 7.5 / Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5 / Lexical Resources: 6.0 / Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.0 = Overall: 6.5 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Comment: Too many lexical and grammatical errors. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ IMPROVED VERSION: It can be argued that child obesity in developed countries is on the rise and is becoming an issue of concern. I believe that the easy access to junk food and the busy schedules of working parents are the two main causes of this problem which leads to long-term health problems for their children. First of all, the availability of fast food is the main reason contributing to this issue. Food like pizza, pasta, burgers and hot dogs are favourite dishes for children of all ages. And undoubtedly this has led to a big rise in the number of children with health problems. For instance, in developed countries like America or many European countries as well, children are becoming obese and lethargic because they consume a lot of oily and processed food like crisps and chips. On the other hand, it cannot be denied that the hectic work routines of parents also play a part in this which often leads their offspring to grab whatever unhealthy food is in front of them to satisfy their hunger. Unlike in the past, when mothers remained at home to take care of their young ones, women now are equally busy in providing for the family because it has become harder to make ends meet with just one income. A research carried out by California University shines light on the fact that the children of households where both parents work are at a higher risk of becoming seriously ill and prone to various diseases than the children of a one income household where the father works and the mother stays at home to look after their little ones, as they consider the upbringing of their children to be paramount. To summarise, it is fairly obvious that the easy access to junk food and the bustling routines of parents condemn children to eat unhealthily, that is why the number of obese children in wealthier countries is increasing an alarming rate. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ SCORE: Task Achievement: 7.5 / Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5 / Lexical Resources: 7.5 / Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8.0 = Overall: 7.5 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ COMMENT: You could go into more detail about the effects of child obesity for countries, for example higher health care costs, less productivity in the workforce, etc.
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